Lowell Mather:
[singing] I’ll be Joan for Christmas...
Roy Biggins:
Why is it whenever he’s around I hear dueling banjos?
Fay Cochran:
George used to sing that song to me.
Brian Hackett:
There are words to that song? I thought it was just banjos.
Roy Biggins:
Once you’ve been with Roy Biggins, you don’t want another man!
Antonio Scarpacci:
Sounds about right.
Helen Chapel:
[about her date with Lowell] ...then he kissed my hand.
Brian Hackett:
Where was your hand?
Joe Hackett:
Wow, check please!
Brian Hackett:
Yeah, like you haven’t thought about the same thing...
Roy Biggins:
[about his ex-wife] So what you’re saying is, she’s not interested in me, that I don’t mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed and use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett:
Exactly.
Roy Biggins:
I can live with that!
Joe Hackett:
What have we got that’s worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian Hackett:
You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett:
I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett:
I’m talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON’T flatter yourself.
Brian Hackett:
It says here, fifteen percent of the American public would rather watch television than have sex.
Roy Biggins:
Fifteen perc... Yeah, yeah, I buy that, yeah. You know, maybe you’re... you’re too tired, or she’s too... what’s a nice way to put this? Ugly.
Brian Hackett:
The words "too tired" aren’t in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don’t think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.
Roy Biggins:
If you ll excuse me, I’ve got to get ready for the big night.
Alex Lambert:
Oh, that right, you’re about to romance a woman. You’ll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...
Roy Biggins:
I’m going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen Chapel:
What’s he going to do the second half of the day?
| 
