Drew Carey: [holding Kate’s hand] Good news guys, Kate and I... we’re engaged.
Lewis Kiniski: [looking at them] That’s big... I hope you kneeled for that.
Drew Carey: Of course I got on my knee...
Lewis Kiniski: I wasn’t talking to you...
Mimi Bobeck: [sees Drew’s look-alike] So much crap they had to start a second pile.
Lewis Kiniski: [about sex] One person’s always disappointed. So far, I’ve been lucky; it’s always been the woman.
Drew Carey: They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says, "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".
Lewis Kiniski: [takes a look at amount on the check] Looks like every week it’s Screw Carey...
Drew Carey: I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.
Drew Carey: I couldn’t sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.
Steve Carey: Oh, sorry.
Drew Carey: And, then, the screaming started.
Steve Carey: What was that?
Drew Carey: That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!
Lewis Kiniski: Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.
Kate O’Brien: I’ll get the food.
Lewis Kiniski: I’ll get the beer.
Oswald Lee Harvey: Every damn time!
Mr. Soulard: What do you got there, Carey?
Drew Carey: Uhh, nothing, sir.
Mr. Soulard: Is that the new report?
Drew Carey: Uhh, yeah that’s what it is.
Mr. Soulard: Well, let me see.
Drew Carey: No! Uhh... I mean, it’s not finished.
Mr. Soulard: Let me see what’s in your hand, Carey.
Drew Carey: Ok... uhh... It’s uhh... a present for Kate. Yeah, it’s erotic pictures of me. I’m in a thong.
Mr. Soulard: I got a feeling you’re covering... But I can’t take that chance.
Steve Carey: It’s a boy! We’re having a boy!
Mimi Bobeck: Actually, I’m glad it’s not a girl. After all, what woman could live up to this beauty?
Drew Carey: All women, most men and some horses...
Jenny: [Mimi’s cousin] I can sleep with whoever I want to!
Drew Carey: You were going to sleep with me?
Mimi Bobeck: You’ll sleep with him over my dead body!
Drew Carey: I’m having the best day ever!
Nigel Wick: [when Drew refused to give his urine sample] I want your pee on my desk by the end of the afternoon!
Drew Carey: Oh, I’ll pee on your desk...
Nigel Wick: In a cup!
Drew Carey: Oh, I’ll pee in a cup...
Nigel Wick: Not my coffee cup!
Drew Carey: Oh, I just like talking like this because it makes you nervous...
Drew Carey: [to Mimi] Like the doctor said the day you were born, it’s gonna get ugly!
Lisa Robbins; [on Mimi] I couldn’t get her to take off her make-up...
Drew Carey: I heard they tried once, and there was a whole other painting underneath it.
Drew Carey: I’m not backing down until we get a crosswalk! Will you give it to us?
Nigel Wick: Hmmm... no.
Drew Carey: Will you think about it?
Nigel Wick: Hmmm... no.
Drew Carey: Will you change your mind?
Nigel Wick: Maybe the "hmmm" is confusing you... No!
Lewis Kiniski: [during the "oldest unpaid bill contest"] I have an unpaid bill... from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back?
Kate O’Brien: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible?
Lewis Kiniski: Well, it’s simple. I’m a single, 41-year-old janitor. What’s God gonna do? Take THAT away from me?
Nigel Wick: [on Christmas decoration contest] It’s nice Mimi that you’ve brought a choir, but unfortunately I have very bad memories from being a choir boy, so Drew Carey wins!
the choir: [Mimi conducts to christmas carol melody] We wish you haven’t said that, we wish you haven’t said that, we wish you haven’t said that, we now where you live...
Mimi Bobeck: [plays with the Village People troll dolls] In the navy, in the navy...
Drew Carey: [to YMCA melody] I think it’s time that they put you away, I think it’s time that they put you away...
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