Charlie Muggins:
Hello. What’s a nice girl like you doing with an old cow?
girl with cow:
I’m taking her to the bull.
Charlie Muggins:
Well couldn’t your father do that?
girl with cow:
No, it must the the bull.
Horsa:
If anyone in there asks who we are, say we’re eunuchs.
Hengist Pod:
Yeah. What have we got to lose?
Mark Antony:
Hello - there is news from Egypt, Ptolemy is trying to usurp Cleopatra.
Julius Cesar:
Trying to do what with her?
Mark Antony:
Usurp her.
Julius Cesar:
Sound positively revolting.
Connie Philpotts:
It’s your girls I’m talking about, I’ve heard them all night long, doors banging ...
Sid Fiddler:
Blimey, when you’ve got young dollies around you have to expect a bit of banging.
Connie Philpotts:
Well, I expect you to get them into bed at a reasonable hour.
Sid Fiddler:
I promise you, I’ll do my very best!
Connie Philpotts:
You and a bunch of beauty queens? It’s like asking Dracula to be in charge of a blood bank!
Sid Fiddler:
Now, now, wait a minute, that’s not true. You know I don’t go for beautiful women, I like you.
Daphne Barnes:
Major, I do believe you’re trying to get me sloshed.
Major Leep:
Heavens above, no! There’s no need to. What I mean was... only a damn swine would try and get a girl drunk first.
Daphne Barnes:
First?
Major Leep:
Well it would be a damn waste of time getting her drunk afterwards.
Georgio:
A beautiful wine for a beautiful lady...
Evelyn Blunt:
Was that supposed to be a compliment?
Stanley Blunt:
Better taste the wine first.
Evelyn Blunt:
Not for me thank you.
Vic Flange:
Oh. Don’t drink?
Evelyn Blunt:
No, I tried it once and didn’t like it.
Vic Flange:
Smoke?
Evelyn Blunt:
I tried it once and didn’t like it.
Vic Flange:
Strange.
Evelyn Blunt:
Not at all, my daughter is just the same.
Vic Flange:
Your only child, I presume!
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
Tell Major Shorthouse to call me an elephant.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
He needn’t bother I’ll do it. You’re an elephant!
Brother Belcher:
I’ve never ridden in a cart pulled by cows before.
Captain Keene:
Bullocks, Mr Belcher!
Brother Belcher:
No, I haven’t, honestly.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond:
[watching polo game] Ooh, I say! He did not ’alf crack that one, did he not?
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond:
Dearest, if you can’t express yourself in more elegant terms, kindly shut your cakehole.
Captain Keene:
Fire at will!
Brother Belcher:
Poor old Will, why do they always fire at him?
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