Steptoe and Son

Albert Steptoe:
[reading Harold’s diary] April 4th. The sun is shining outside, but it is dull in comparison to the sunshine in my heart. Last night I met Melita, a Yugoslavian au pair girl from Belgrade. She is beautiful beyond my poor, inadequate words. Meeting her at the Skinners Arms tonight. April 5th. Melina didn’t turn up, waited till chucking out time. If I ever see that fat ugly cow again, I’ll smash her face in!

Harold Steptoe:
You’re going to be a grandfather.
Albert Steptoe:
Ok, there’s that to it. I’ll enjoy that. I’ll teach him a few things.
Harold Steptoe:
Don’t you dare!

Albert Steptoe:
[about burglars that attacked him] There they were, six of the biggest blokes you ever seen in your life doing out your porcelain cabinet.
Harold Steptoe:
What’d they look like?
Albert Steptoe:
They was all wearing women’s stockings.
Harold Steptoe:
What? No trousers?
Albert Steptoe:
Over their faces!