Cheers

After their first kiss, Sam and Diane pick her apartment for a place to have sex. There, he makes fun of her stuffed animals, prompting Diane to eject him. Angered, Sam returns to the bar where Carla, despite her dislike for Diane, says that she can bring the pair together. Carla advises him to "be a man" and give Diane satisfaction in the bedroom. Sam goes back, kicks the door open, and lifts up and kisses Diane. After she changes to her nightgown, Diane says that she reported his immediate behavior to the police. Shocked, Sam wants to leave the apartment, but Diane threatens to give them his address. They talk and agree that violence and hostility are not appropriate. Diane says that she found only being lifted by Sam exhilarating and that it made her keener to sleep with him. When Sam removes the stuffed animals from the bed in readiness, Diane admits that she did not actually call the police, prompting him to throw them out of the window.

Carla goes into labor and her sister Annette Lozupone—also played by Rhea Perlman—substitutes for her at the bar. At first Annette is seen as a goody two-shoes, but she flirts with seemingly every man in Boston, especially those in the bar. Cliff falls in love with Annette and plans to propose to her, but his best friend Norm convinces him that she is not what she seems, and Cliff ends his relationship with her. Coach announces that Carla has given birth to a girl and makes a film which shows Carla dealing with her unruly children. He fails to film her baby and instead films other babies in the nursery room.

Diane begs Carla to let her take one night off, but Carla refuses and complains that Sam treats the incompetent waitress Diane too well. Sam and Diane become convinced that lovers cannot work together in the same place, so Diane resigns to find a job elsewhere. Mr. Hedges offers Diane a position, but she refuses it when Mr. Hedges asks Sam whether he saw her naked, making her realize that she is being hired as a sex object rather than for her skills and qualifications. Disappointed, Diane returns to her job at Cheers but accuses Sam of re-hiring her for the same reasons as Mr. Hedges. Sam assures her that this is not the case and she is mollified. Norm and his wife Vera are separated. Norm cannot find himself another woman, but Vera is revealed to be dating another man.

Diane’s former blind date Andy (Derek McGrath), who studied acting in high school, is unemployed because of his criminal record. He returns to Cheers intending to commit an armed robbery. Carla grabs Andy’s unloaded gun, and Norm and Cliff restrain him. Diane convinces her colleagues not to turn Andy in to the police, and decides to try to reform him. Andy becomes infatuated with Diane and becomes jealous when he sees her kissing Sam. During a live performance of Othello, Andy wrings Diane’s neck. Sam thinks that this is part of the play until Andy explains that he saw Sam and Diane kissing. Sam rescues Diane while Norm and Cliff restrain Andy again, who yells out "Mommy!".

Sam and Diane agree to have dinner with her ex-fiancé Sumner Sloane (Michael McGuire). Fearing that he is not sophisticated enough for Diane and may lose her to more sophisticated Sumner, Sam spends five days reading the novel War and Peace, recommended by Cliff, without sleep. Unfortunately for Sam, Diane and Sumner find the novel too well-known to discuss during dinner. Feeling left out, Sam confesses his jealousy toward Sumner and accuses Sumner of attempting to steal Diane away from him. Sumner admits that Sam was correct and that he and his ex-wife Barbara split up weeks before. Then Diane chooses Sam for his touching efforts in reading War and Peace, which he learns is adapted into a movie.

Tough, street-talking Carla turns down a date offer from sweet, intelligent Hank (Don Amendolia). Diane pledges Carla to enjoy quality time with Hank, so Carla decides to have sex with him. Since both of their abodes are unavailable, Diane reluctantly lets Carla and Hank use her apartment. Later, Coach tells Sam and Diane that Hank has a heart condition and that any exertion, especially during sex, will endanger his life. Sam and Diane arrive at Diane’s apartment to stop Carla and Hank having sex, which has not yet occurred. When Carla and Hank arrive, Sam and Diane tell Carla about Hank, prompting her to break up with Hank. Sam raises the price of his beer, and Norm struggles to lower his consumption to save his money. However, Norm cannot manage this and has other customers pay for his beers.

Because of his relationship with Diane, Sam declines to accompany his old divorced friend, sportscaster Dave Richards (Fred Dryer), on a trip to have casual sex with women. Dave assures Sam and Diane that their relationship would only last 24 hours. At first implausible, Sam uses his address book, filled with women’s contact details, to give a woman’s telephone number to Dave, which shocks Diane. Sam refuses to discard his book for Diane’s sake, prompting a temporary break between them. Later, he spends the previous night with Didi (Elizabeth McIvor), arranged by Dave, at the hotel, but he does not sleep with her. The following day, Sam tells Dave that his relationship with Diane is not over and that Dave must accompany someone else. When Dave tells them that Sam kissed Didi last night, Diane bites Sam’s lip during a kiss.

Sam’s old friend Mort (Herb Mitchell) offers him a coaching position for the Titans—his son’s Little League Baseball team—but Sam turns it down and gives it to Coach. The Titans win games under Coach, but he becomes tyrannical and either berates the players or kicks them out of the team for minor issues, including groping Diane at the bar and winning the game with 1–0. Tired of his tyranny, the players want to quit the team but Coach refuses to let them. When Coach wants to tell the team a story but cannot think of one, Sam and Diane suggest Coach’s childhood story about Mr. Spires, his mean schoolteacher. In the story, Coach cannot speak aloud the Pledge of Allegiance in the auditorium, so Mr. Spires—who assigned Coach to do so—berated him for his inability to memorize the pledge. Coach hated Mr. Spires for years, even after his death. Diane summarizes that the story teaches the team not to hate Coach the same way that Coach hated his teacher. To cheer the team up, Coach promises changes: a fewer baseball practice sessions and his affording sodas for the team. Carla takes her newborn daughter Lucia to Cheers for breastfeeding, which patrons find disturbing. Cliff loans Norm $500 and Norm spends some money to take Cliff to dinner.

Dick Cavett (himself) enters the bar and meets Sam, whom he recognizes as a former baseball player. Dick suggests that Sam should write an autobiography. The next day, Diane’s biography of Sam—which she wrote under the pseudonym Jessica Simpson-Bourget—is rejected by Dick’s publisher for not being controversial enough. As Cavett recommends, Diane reluctantly writes more about Sam’s sex life in order to get the book published. Wally (Walter Olkewicz), Norm’s old high school wrestling rival, dates with Norm’s ex-wife Vera. Jealous Norm and Wally wrestle for hours until Coach declares Norm a winner. However, Norm reluctantly approves Wally and Vera. When one of Coach’s old teammates dies after being unfit, Coach does activities to stay healthy, like three swimming laps in one hour.

Sam tell Diane that he loves her; Diane is romantically awestruck until Sam tells her that it was a casual remark that he often says to others, including other women and Coach. Diane and Sam argue and then break up for one week. After time passes, Sam says "ditto" to Diane, which does not impress her. Enraged with her inappreciativeness, Sam tries to literally and comprehensively say, "I love you," but his ineptitude is obvious, which ironically impresses her.

Diane’s old friend Heather (Markie Post), who has recently moved to Boston, flirts with Sam, who takes it as a sexual overture. However, she and Heather tell him that Heather’s flirtations were meant as a compliment. The three make up and plan to have dinner at Diane’s apartment. Carla convinces Diane that Sam and Heather may be sexually attracted to each other, making Diane paranoid. During dinner at her apartment, Diane accuses Heather of flirting with Sam, especially with spaghetti. Heather regrets going to Diane’s abode for dinner and decides to leave. Diane realizes her errors, apologizes to Heather for her misunderstandings, and tells her that they are still best friends. Coach brings a ferocious dog to Cheers and locks in in the bar office. Norm gives the dog an alcoholic cocktail in attempt to sedate it, but the dog becomes amorous while drunk.

Beloved Malcolm Kramer (George Gaynes), who has six months to live, gives a signed will of $100,000 inheritance to Cheers’ patrons. When people become greedy, Sam apparently burns the will, disappointing all except Diane, who is glad that the madness has stopped. Sam had burned a copy of the will and still retains the original one. Diane berates him for crossing his friends, so Sam burns the paper before her eyes. Suspecting that Sam has tricked her again, Diane warns him that anyone responsible for such a devious trick would be eternally guilty. Infuriated by her morals, Sam reluctantly burns the actual will.

Carla wants to bring a date just to make her ex-husband Nick (Dan Hedaya), soon to be married to ditzy blond Loretta (Jean Kasem), jealous. With no one available, prompting Carla to almost decline, when Nick warns Carla that people would gossip about their troubled marriage, Sam reluctantly poses as Carla’s boyfriend at Diane’s request. After the wedding, Nick begs Carla to start a relationship again, but she refuses in favor of Sam. Nick kisses her, but Carla tells him that the spark is already gone. When Nick leaves, Carla weeps and tells Sam that the kiss reignited the spark. Then Sam and Carla passionately kiss, which befuddles them, then they decide that their friendship is better than that.

Norm has almost run out of unemployment funds and has reduced himself to washing dishes at Melville’s. At Diane’s request, Sam reluctantly hires Norm as the bar’s new accountant. Moments later, Norm files tax forms that claims a $15,000 tax refund. The next day, Norm finds out from a telephone call that Sam has sent the tax forms that his long-time accountant had prepared, which annually resulted in $1,000–$3,000 tax refunds. Betrayed, Norm wants to leave the bar and to never return. However, then he weeps and begs Sam not to kick him out. Feeling guilty, Sam rehires Norm for the another tax season, and Norm reluctantly accepts.

At night, Coach enters Diane’s apartment and spoils Sam and Diane’s attempt at sex. Rather than throw him out, they reluctantly let him stay for the night. The following day, Sam and Diane set Coach up with Katherine (Eve Roberts)—a woman from the bank. After Coach drops Katherine at the bus stop, he returns to Diane’s apartment to watch television. Sam and Diane reluctantly tell Coach not to bother them anymore. The next day, Sam and Diane regret their actions until, at their reliefs, Coach tells them that he had a wonderful evening with Katherine at her place and would like to see her again.

Sam learns that during a betting competition, Diane bets on American football teams based on unrelated or irrelevant things, like the colors of the their uniforms. When he mentions "Bears" and "Dolphins", Diane picks a winner based on the actual animals that the teams name after. Sam wins four of his 13 bets, and Diane wins 12 of 13 by choosing teams from cities with an orchestra led by a foreign-born conductor. Outraged, Sam forbids Diane from betting on football again. Victor (Peter Iacangelo), a Cheers patron, confronts Cliff for his know-it-all attitude and challenges him to a fight. Cliff runs off and, the following day, attempts to have an African-American mailman Lewis (Sam Scarber) fight on Cliff’s behalf. When Victor reminds Lewis what a pain Cliff is—especially at work—Lewis decides to turn Cliff down. Later, Victor demands that Cliff either admit he is a liar and a coward, or leave the bar and never return. Cliff disappoints his friends by leaving the bar. After Sam kicks Victor out, the regulars are relieved when Cliff returns with bricks and a piece of wood to prove that he has practiced karate. Cliff kicks the wood and then breaks a brick with his head, making the crowd cheer. Cliff secretly tells Diane that he has never practiced karate and is going to faint. While his friends review the broken pieces, Diane secretly struggles to carry Cliff from the bar to a hospital.

Everyone tries out a 40-year-old fortune-telling machine that was bought by Coach. Norm’s fortune says, "Your most troublesome problem will soon be solved." One night, Norm discovers that his "blind date"—set up by a friend—is his ex-wife Vera. Norm and Vera have sex and reconcile their marriage. Sam and Diane deny that these fulfilled predictions are anything more than mere coincidences. However, Diane becomes concerned when her fortune says, "deception in romance proves costly." At closing time the next day, Diane tells Sam about a platonic evening with her male classmate, with whom she shares interests. Sam feels betrayed and argues with her. Soon he apologizes, but Diane playfully breaks up with him. Infuriated with her tricks, Sam kicks the machine, which immediately ejects a card that says, "Machine empty. Order more fortunes today."

Diane learns that, in the past, Sam sought women at ski trips with his friends in Stowe, Vermont. Sam enters the bar and tells Diane that he is going to Vermont for the "funeral" of his uncle Nathan, supposedly killed by a bus in a hit-and-run accident. Not wanting to fall for Sam’s lies, Diane declares to scrutinize obituaries to confirm the death of Sam’s uncle. To prevent her from doing so, Sam admits that the funeral and Uncle Nathan are nonexistent. Diane admits that she knew the whole situation all along and did not read obituaries to catch him out. They argue until she reluctantly lets him go on the ski trip. Diane tells him that she will be pursuing a "boxboy". Sam leaves again and then returns seconds later jealous. Norm befriends George Foley (James Gallery)—another unemployed man—making Cliff jealous. When he invites Norm to a hamburger joint, Norm declines because he feels sorry for Cliff and decides to play a billiard table with Cliff. Coach fails to break less than seven beer glasses until midnight when he breaks his eighth glass by slipping on a banana peel.

Coach returns from his old friend T-Bone’s funeral in Phoenix, Arizona and decides to reserve T-Bone’s memorial in the bar, as Diane suggests. He overhears Sam revealing that T-Bone once made a pass at Coach’s wife Angela, enraging him. At the memorial, Coach discovers that T-Bone did the same to another man’s wife and did inappropriate things to Coach’s friends. He and his old friends become angry and try to dishonor T-Bone by destroying a cardboard picture of him. However, when they hear Diane sing "Amazing Grace", they quell their anger and sing along. Norm learns from Vera that her parents, who disdain him for being unemployed, have already arrived at Norm and Vera’s house, so he claims employment search to avoid his in-laws.

Married Norm is attracted to his client Emily Phillips (Anne Schedeen). Rather than seduces her, Norm drops Emily off at her apartment and suddenly leaves. In the billiard room, Norm tells Sam that he loves Vera, who is the only woman he wants for life, especially during the 11-year marriage. Diane encourages Norm to stand up for Vera. However, Norm later tells his bar mates his jokes about Vera to cover-up his feelings for her, disappointing Diane.

Diane learns that Sam has concealed their relationship from the Boston Magazine, which includes him on its "20 Most Eligible Bachelors" list. Even when Sam is off the list, to make Diane forgive him, Sam takes Carla’s suggestion that he commission a portrait of Diane based on one of his photographs. Philip Semenko (Christopher Lloyd), a pretentious artist who insults Sam and his lack of originality, prompting Sam to fire him, becomes attracted to Diane—who admires Philip’s work and recognizes him. Philip decides to paint an original portrait of Diane. Sam warns her that, if she does anything with Philip, their relationship will end. Coach fails to encourage unenthusiastic bar patrons into signing up for picnic and softball, and Norm warns his friends to stay away from a new restaurant—the Hungry Heifer—for its bad service and bad food.

A week passes: Coach resorts to do the "pathetic old man" trick, prompting unenthusiastic bar patrons into signing up for picnic and softball. Norm still dislikes the Hungry Heifer, but he often dines there to take advantage of its special offers. Sam conceals a botched portrait of Diane by another painter from her. Later, he discovers that Diane has betrayed him by commissioning Philip to paint her portrait—which she brings in—and chides her for it. She contends that her relationship with Sam is filled with constant arguments and pointless triumphs, and has degraded into immaturity. As she is leaving, Sam orders her to leave and never return. Diane declares their relationship to be ended and quits her job. Sam unwraps Philip’s painting and says, "Wow!"